My quarter-life crisis?

Dear Diary.

Today is December 30th, 2020. Same thoughts different day. My mind is all over the place. Everything is vague, everything is rolling dice.

I used to be that man who is passionate, ambitious, had a clear goal in every step. I did nothing wrong, but somehow I lost. I don’t even know why. College years were amazing. In the first year, I targeted a 4.0 GPA, I fell short with just one A-minus, still grateful. Second-year, I targeted to maintain that GPA, perform well in the robotics club to be the leader someday, and also applied to international internships. I did exactly that, I got a 4.0 GPA in the second year, I got selected as the robotics club leader at the start of the third year. I also went to Switzerland for an internship. Fourth-year was not as amazing as my third, but I still maintain to go to Japan for a competition and did okay on my thesis.

But everything went downwards from here. I broke up from a four-year relationship just before I graduate college. I applied to some consulting companies which all rejected me. My self-esteem has never been worse. I always hear people say: “ you gonna be great someday”, “you are my hope”, “everyone wants to be like you”. Well, those words never help. It just puts more pressure on a bruised heart.

I don’t even know what I want now. Well I know I want a house, a car, a wife, a child of my own, a solid income for the rest of my life. But I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I have no clue for career, I have no clue for friendships, I have no clue for education, and I have no clue for love. I can’t visualize my future like I always did. I lost sight of everything.

And… I wonder if it’s because I part ways with her. Because for a long time, I always had someone to talk to. I always had someone to sit down and listen to all my thoughts and anxiety. And maybe I lost sight because all along she was the apple of my eye; because she helped me see the unseeable.

No, I’m not desperate for love. I just need someone that understands me. Someone who really listens to my deepest thoughts. Someone I can open up to.

I don’t know if writing this will make it any better, but hopefully, the universe will make its way to helping me.